i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
