weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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