Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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