I just pynch a tree in the face
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
