Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
