we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
