i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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