Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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