I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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