i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
