I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
