My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
