I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
