If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
