I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
