so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
