Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
