Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Houston, we have a blender
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
