You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
