I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
