my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
