Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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