He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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