The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We need to rekindle our bromance
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
