This dress was meant to end up on your floor
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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