He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
