Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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