I can't breathe out the right side of my face
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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