Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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