she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
