I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I could fuck to npr.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
