i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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