I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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