haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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