Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
