Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
