M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
