What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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