you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
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Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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