you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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