I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
