I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
