Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
