so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
