just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
