o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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