Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
