we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
