The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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