literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
