new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
