Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
