I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
