Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
