i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize