Can i not drive my cunt home
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
