I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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