how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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