All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
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I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
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Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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