DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
organizing the empties. That sober.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
