we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
